For the Love of...

Fugliness Included

2008-05-22T12:57:00.001-07:00

There’s that fear that the other person will either find out something about you that they won’t be able to take or you’ll find out something about them that you won’t be able to take. I think it has to do with the fear we have that no one can love us fully and truly if they knew all of us—the good, the bad, and the fugly.

As each passing moment is passed, a shell of who we really are begs to be hatched. We yearn to break free from these shells that daily grow harder. I am but another shell of who I once was before this one. I am but a babe beneath these shells. Beholding beauty, waiting to be seen for the first time. Unfortunately, we don’t believe our beauty is fit to be held. “Oh no, I can’t let them know about that! That’s just not a very ‘flattering’ aspect of who I really am.”

We keep our growing feelings for someone hidden for a while and wait to see if they are true or not. If and when we come to a point where we feel we cannot deny that our feelings are lasting, we usually still hold them in before we come out with it for fear the other person doesn’t feel the same way. We try to gauge what the other person is thinking and feeling. Even when they give off the impression that they are feeling the same way, there’s always that chance you can let your feelings explicitly be known and then doubt suddenly comes rushing in to their heads. One of the hardest things to deal with is when you think your timing is good and the other person responds positively to it and says they feel the same way only to later find out that everything has now changed. It’s these experiences that can cripple us the most. If we henceforth shut down and refuse to ever put ourselves out there again, then we will never be able to allow ourselves to experience the moment we have been longing for when we will find that person who will lastingly love us just as much as we love them and not worry anymore about scaring them off or making them feel “pressured.”

We fail to be loved truly, never realizing we are made truly by/from/in Love. We are never able to be fully loved when we refuse to believe we can be and are loved in full, while we are yet still sinners. We have never been graced with this Presence of Being before. My desire is to let the All in All in all of me. All of these tall walls I’ve caused to be built around my heart—guarding it from hurt, disappointment, and chance—must come crumbling down to the ground like the Tower of Babel.

May it be as He has willed…

We're All Searching

2008-05-22T12:55:00.000-07:00

We’re all searching. We’re all searching for someone. Someone who will have a never-ending love for us. Yes, for those of us who believe we are loved and counted as beautiful and important by our Heavenly Father, we do “know” that we can always trust in that fact. But, that doesn’t change the fact that we still want something “more,” something tangible. We question whether or not we are lovable and look for the answer in others. We are constantly looking for that one person to share everything with and to know us as who we truly are—all messed up and everything—and still love us (and even more so because we are).

Through past heartaches we have learned not to pile on the reality of who we truly are all at one time because no one could take that! We all hold in a bunch of “stuff” about our own selves from one another when we first meet them for fear they can’t—or won’t—be able to take the messed-upedness. We’ve learned how to do this throughout our experiences thus far. We must keep cushioning so it won’t hurt so badly if we fall. We’ve learned the phrase, “More is better,” and we begin to amass the pillows of fears, jealousies, regrets, and doubts around us like a child building a fort around his or herself:

“They won’t be able to see me in here…” he says slyly as his grin and suspicious eyes scan back and forth, back and forth.

We have learned the cost of letting down our guards, being vulnerable to others, and trusting them when they say they want to hear all about our deepest hurts and insufficiencies and promise to take extra special care with them and not let it scare them off. Sometimes, the casualty of letting down your guard is taking a big hit to it.

Regrets. Do we have any if a relationship doesn’t pan out (or looks like it won’t)? Well, I don’t think we regret the times we had with the other person, but we also hate the writhing pain felt when our hearts are broken. We half-heartedly wish we never would’ve let go of ourselves in the first place if we knew it would end up like this, but we also aren’t sorry for sharing a part of ourselves with someone else because the feeling and the moment was good at the time. So, in short, we don’t but we do. Do we not?

Ah, the thoughts of the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! If there seems to be an end to a relationship, we often times feel robbed…but it was a good robbing. We begin healing and trying not to form too big of a callous from this one and maybe even hope that the robber might come back to not only give back the piece from before, but tell you that they want to trade you theirs for yours. You don’t want to put too much stock in the latter but you also try not to burn bridges that are only being broken down to build a stronger bridge in the possible near future.

It sucks though, doesn’t it?! For a good while you can’t listen to certain music, you can’t eat at certain restaurants, you can’t smell certain smells, and you can’t stand to see the things you have been surrounding yourself with that remind you of the other person. And so we want to take all of those things and burn them. Just throw them away and let them be out of sight, out of mind! The problem to that: they might be out of sight and out of mind, but they are far from being out of heart.

(To be continued…)

Sadness...

2006-11-05T22:20:00.000-08:00

Yeah, so I just found out some pretty bad news this past week!

When I asked my manager last week about time off during Christmas--which I thought we were going to have about a week off after working it out between ourselves--she told me, "Oh, well, since you're the first one to ask me, I think I can give you the day before and the day after Christmas off......since you live far away and everything..." Well, this is the point where I had to fight off the frustrated laughter/sadness (see title of blog entry) and I thought about how this is going to be the first Christmas I will be spending away from home and family.

Even though I had told my parents if something like this happened that making money (right now) is more important than coming home, I can honestly say that I didn't really think it would happen. So, for everyone back home reading this, I am really sorry I won't be able to see anyone during my would-be break, but know that I'll definitely be thinking about all of you and I wish I could be there w/ you, but such is life as I know it right now.

Peace,
G$

"Ain't nothin' goin' on but the rent!"

Part 2: Facing the Hard Stuff

2006-09-24T13:50:00.000-07:00

Derek Webb's Mockingbird cd came out in 2005 and has caused a lot of tension by many people w/in and w/out the church. While touring, he has had people walk out in the middle of the concert due to the very confrontational words from the album. (Check out this little article from Relevant Magazine that talks about the album) As I sat in the auditorium of the George Bush library at Texas A&M a couple of days ago, he told us that after we yelled out some requests and he wrote some down on his notepad to play that Sandra McCracken (his wife) and the bass player (sorry, forgot his name) would come back out and they'd play the Mockingbird album the whole way through. He took some time to talk about how strongly he felt about some things that the church has been inconsistent--to put it in my own words--in dealing w/ some issues and neglecting others. He feels that dialogue about these issues and what we must do about them must begin now, if not continue. He feels so strongly about them that he has created a website where he encourages anyone and everyone to go to and download and listen to the Mockingbird cd. He said, "I don't care what you do afterwards; throw it away, pass it on, burn it for others, but let's please confront these issues!" He made sure we knew he was extremely pro-piracy on this and to burn thousands of copies if we so desired.

As I sat there and listened to the words of his songs I felt he had finally written down all of my thoughts and feelings for the past couple of years! I also sat there and watched as some people grew a little antsy and decided they couldn't take it anymore and left. But, as I watched this happen I began to think about how much the Bible makes me want to do the same. If we read the words of Christ and truly try to live them out in this world, we soon realize how difficult it really is! If you really do think and feel like being a follower of Christ is easy then, as Derek Webb so poignantly put it, you might want to step back and ask if it really is Jesus you're following! So, here are a few of my "rants"--for lack of better words--about a few things that have been on my mind and heart for a good long while and more thoughts about specifics will come soon enough.

The thing that has been the most perplexing to me over the past few years is how many times I've been asked quite brashly if I'm a liberal or a democrat bc of how I feel about certain issues. If by being pro-nonviolence, pro-dignity of human life, pro-life throughout a whole person's life, pro-wrestling w/ what it looks like to live out the two greatest commandments of 1) loving God w/ all my heart, mind, soul, body, and strength and 2) loving my neighbor as myself; if by trying to be all of these things is liberal or democratic, then I will proudly wear that label!

However, that's the problem that has been becoming more and more of one among Christians today. When did God ever become a republican or a democrat?! When did revenge ever become justified by God? Where do you get your proof text for that? Am I saying that I have all of these figured out and believe that there should never be any accountability for other's wrong-doings to others? Absolutely not!! What I am doing is recognizing that this is something that is not black and white and seeking and praying desperately that we will all come into dialogue about these things in a mature fashion instead of quickly and constantly name calling or labeling others, especially Christians! Another very powerful song of Derek Webb's on the cd Mockingbird is called "Love Is Not Against The Law." What a great statement in itself!

There are so many other issues that need to be addressed and I have issues w/, but I really am having trouble right now being able to concentrate on just a few of them. There are so many inconsistencies that are being accepted by so many Christians in America today and I actually find it almost funny--if it weren't so sad and ironic--how the people and pastors preaching so vehemently about the problems w/ "American Christianity" are actually the ones who have subscribed to it most! Today's "American Christianity" is one that has all of this fundamentalist, political agenda attached to it that continues to mix church w/ state--all the while complaining about how state has mixed w/ church--by pledging allegiance first and foremost to a flag and then maybe to Jesus (if not preceded by a few choice issues that serve as a default to fall back on if faced w/ an issue they'd rather play "if I don't acknowledge it, it's not there").

I'd love to hear other's comments and questions to me about these things and welcome both pro and con! If I'm confronted w/ a single issue I probably can better address it and feel like this dialogue is so important to have w/ people on all sides, especially we Christians.

I know this is a departure from a lot of my normal writing entries, but I decided to venture out and confront something that has been and is the topic of so many discussions these days, especially w/in the church that is always trying to figure out what the heck Jesus would do! I now welcome any and all questions and/or comments. As a great bumper sticker I saw on a car the other day said, "God bless the whole world!...No Exceptions!!"

Part 1: Facing the Hard Stuff

2006-09-24T08:20:00.000-07:00

"My first allegiance is not to a flag, a country, or a man. My first allegiance is not to democracy or blood. It's to a King & a kingdom." As these words rang through the sound system in the George Bush library at Texas A&M on Friday night, I turned to my friend and roommate Toph and said, "I think I like this song."

In no way was this a political statement: for me and I'm pretty positive from the man who wrote and sang the words in front of me. If you're not familiar w/ the song or the songwriter, Derek Webb, I would highly recommend you go to his website and check him out. To be honest, he and I don't always match up theologically since he'd be categorized as a pretty staunch (if that word isn't taken too strongly) Calvinist, but here's the thing: this man is a strong Christian and has some powerful words and biblical truths that we all must face. Just bc he and I probably don't agree theologically w/ some things doesn't mean that he is more or less of a Christian than I. We are both pilgrims on this road of life seeking to be followers of Jesus and his example and commands written in the Bible--IN THEIR ENTIRETY--being led by the Spirit.

I'm going to include the words to the song "A King & A Kingdom" off his Mockingbird album and hope you read them. I'm not always good at reading the words to songs that people post on their blogs, but I'm hoping you will do so and marinate on the words and ask how they may apply to you and your heartset. For aesthetic and ADD people's sake I'll be making this entry as 2 parts. You can read the words and then after some reflection read Part 2 that will be posted soon.

A King & A Kingdom

(vs. 1)
who's your brother, who's your sister
you just walked passed him
i think you missed her
as we're all migrating to the place where our father lives
'cause we married in to a family of immigrants

(chorus)
my first allegiance is not to a flag, a country, or a man
my first allegiance is not to democracy or blood
it's to a king & a kingdom

(vs. 2)
there are two great lies that i’ve heard:
“the day you eat of the fruit of that tree, you will not surely die”
and that Jesus Christ was a white, middle-class republican
and if you wanna be saved you have to learn to be like Him

(chorus)

(bridge)
but nothing unifies like a common enemy
and we’ve got one, sure as hell
but he may be living in your house
he may be raising up your kids
he may be sleeping with your wife
oh no, he may not look like you think

Again, we have a lot to learn from babies!

2006-09-23T22:11:00.000-07:00

I was going to write something tomorrow--and I still probably will--but as I was looking at a newly acquired picture of my niece Evie and my new niece as of September 7th, Mary Fran, I thought about something my sister was telling me about Evie and Mary Fran and figured I'd share some further convictions about how we have so much to learn from babies (as I've written about before--see entry titled, "Innocent Wonder").

Well, Evie doesn't like to hear Mary Fran cry and when she does, Evie goes over and gives her a kiss, which usually, according to my sister, calms Mary Fran down. Wow! What a beautiful picture of simply being there for people when they're not feeling well! No words. No "solutions" offered to try to "fix" the situation. A simple kiss. A simple "hey, I'm here for you. I'm right here." Here's the picture:

It's so revealing to me that we have lost it. We have lost the wisdom of a little child and what it means to truly be there for those who are upset, hurt, lonely. When did we ever get the idea that we had to give others answers or solutions to how they could better their situation? Sure, that may come later, but what happens to our innate senses I keep seeing in little children that we apparently lose as years go by? It's the sense to give a hug or kiss to someone you see in desperate need of one, which, if we're all honest, is every single one of us.

I say all of these things w/ every single bit of masculinity in tact and as unashamedly as ever. I also say these things w/ every bit of guilt there is as I reveal my own shortcomings in not doing these things. There have been times, even lately, that I have been talking w/ someone who was struggling w/ something or expressing a hurtful situation or whatever to me and there was this feeling in me that absolutely felt like going over to them and embracing them w/out saying a word. Yet, for some reason I have yet to put a finger on but have my many suspicions about, something holds me back from doing so. It's a powerful force that I can feel battling inside my heart and mind and I am ashamed to admit that I allow the fears of being vulnerable, expressing too much sympathy, not being "manly"--whatever the crap that means!--and a whole host of other fears to prohibit me from acting on my first instinct. I reason it out and try to come up w/ the best construction of words I can give this person, which I somehow got the impression they wanted me to offer.

There's so much I could say about where I believe these reservations to be vulnerable and sympathetic to others--especially from a male's perspective--but I simply don't have the time right now and will continue to dwell on it as I also try to be more vulnerable and sympathetic to others in need. I have a long way to go but here goes nothing.

I'd love to hear what you think about this and any thoughts about why this seems to be true? It's by voicing these things, confronting them, and being open to our shortcomings that we can begin to hold one another accountable and become more like the beloved children of God we were first created to be--at least in this aspect...

Lord, have mercy on me for holding back love from those who so desperately deserve it, which is everyone I come in contact w/. Forgive me for not loving my enemies and for having enemies in the first place. I have no excuse bc your grace and mercy and unconditional love is continually being granted to me, the greatest sinner of them all! Yet, you keep calling me your child and loving me even more so. Thank you for your unlimited hugs and kisses you give me everyday and my aim is to pass those on to others I come in contact w/. By your grace this is possible and by grace I pray these things, Amen.

On Giving and Receiving

2006-09-18T20:34:00.000-07:00

I keep finding it quite amazing how I write about something or journal about something and then in the next few days, months, or whatever, situations keep coming up or topics keep being discussed in my presence about the same issue I have been thinking about and usually analyzing. Yesterday’s sermon from Pastor Julie was largely alluding to what I’ve been marinating on lately. Then, as we listened to chapter 26 of “The Screwtape Letters” by C.S. Lewis at Life Group tonight, which was mainly about Unselfishness and the disillusion we humans often get of it and things of that nature, I realized how much it had to do w/ the same thing I’ve been mulling over. A while back I was journaling about the phrase, “It’s better to give than receive,” and tonight just furthered and deepened my analysis and convictions about the complexity of this phrase and everything that goes into it.

“To know as we are known.” When/If we come to know (or understand, comprehend, begin to see) ourselves as we are known by our Heavenly Father, we would realize how beloved we are and see how beloved others are as well. We would realize how much love there is to give and receive, receive and give—though we say it’s far better to give than receive. Or, do we really mean to imply that it’s far easier to give than receive? Isn’t that true? Especially pertaining to our relationship w/ God in most respects, though I will clarify what my good friend Tiffany brought up in Life Group that it doesn’t really apply well being far better to give God the things which we hold so tightly onto, but more to those things which we feel we are willing to loosen our grips from. I definitely want to acknowledge that fact, but you will see that I am mainly speaking about our underlying intentions of giving to others, which was beautifully illustrated in half of a sentence by Lewis—or rather Screwtape—in the reading tonight: “…teach a man to surrender benefits not that others may be happy in having them but that he may be unselfish in forgoing them.” Basically, our supposed unselfishness in “giving into others wishes”—thereby seeming unselfish—is actually very selfish at heart bc the intentions in our action of “being unselfish” was so that we might gain praise or admiration from others for being so unselfish, which is in and of itself selfish.

Now that I’ve stated that little tidbit I will begin to share what I wrote down a couple of weeks ago while journaling about this topic.

It’s so much easier to “give back” to God by doing mission projects, “giving Him praise and thanks,” tithing (“giving back a portion of what has been received”)—though this is also very debatable as to the easiness of doing so, but all these are empty! They are all empty bc of the last parenthetical quotation. How can we “give back what has been received” when we haven’t ever experienced the Grace that is continually being given freely? When we realize that we cannot begin to “give back” an iota of what has been given, only then will we be able to receive—truly receive—what is always being given. This enables us to give up the illusion that we can come even fairly far away from “paying Him back.”

Even further, how will we know what to give others when we’ve never received anything of worth to be given? We continue on and give a whole lot of nothing, expecting to receive something in return. Yet, all that is given is also nothing since something was expected. When we give in order to receive, there is an emptiness that is left that we claim is our right to be filled back up from the one we gave to. In other words, we give so that we have something over the other person and can claim he or she is indebted to you. We all walk around empty from giving so much. We walk around empty bc we have refused to receive from the Giver of All Things. When we learn to truly receive, we can only then be able to truly give. Therefore, should the saying go, “We must truly receive from Him, in order that we may be able to truly give to them?” (I know that’s an extremely cheesy way of putting it since I went w/ the rhyming way of saying it, but sometimes it works better for memory purposes. Nevertheless, an apology for cheesiness is in order and I give it to you.) The emptiness that would be there and claimed as a debt to be owed by another is continually being filled back up by the One who has, is, and forever will be filling up what is lacking—the Fulfiller of All. It doesn’t have to be filled up by someone bc it already has been by the One.

Giving w/out expecting to receive anything in return is what Love is. That’s who Love is. Love—the True Love—has no strings attached and gives freely, continually. To know Love is to know how to truly give. To “give ourselves to God” really means to fully receive what is being given. We are given a glimpse of who we are when we receive from He whom we are from and who gave, gives, and promises to forever give us life in its fullest!

So, I guess my prayer for all who read this is that you will begin to truly and fully receive the grace and mercy that is continually being given from the Giver of All Things in order that you may be able to truly and purely give to others w/out expecting anything in return since the debt has already been paid from He whom we are truly indebted to.

Putting It Into Words

2006-08-23T20:53:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt like you had to write something down? A feeling you’re experiencing, a sense that has just been blown wide open by some trigger, making it seem like you were (if only for a moment) one w/ the universe, or an important life lesson learned at the hand of some mad genius that let you in on some of his secret to how and why he does what he does. You must get it all down like you might forget how it feels and/or you need to remember what you’ve done to “remedy” the situation. Well, one of those situations I’ve found to be quite like chasing after the wind.

It is the attempt to capture in words the awakening of a sense by some stimulant. For example, how you feel when you are lying on a rock while the sun is gently caressing your body and the wind is kissing your face, soothing the sun’s soft rays, and the sound of the water nearby waterfalling, making music w/ the rocks and the forest. Not to mention how the water feels as your hand rests on the pillow of the stream. Do I truly think this is something that can be put into words? Can it really be bound to something as finite as words? Can it be “summed up?” I can do all I can to list the elements of it all and liken it to what I do know as best I can, but some things are so simple, yet magnificent in their natural innocence, or purity. Words just seem to almost pollute the essence of the awakened sense. I always want to try, though. Each time is something different!

That just makes me believe even more so that there is something deeper in this world, in this life. Something…Other. There’s something beyond explanation—beyond words. Something indescribable.

Sight, sound, touch, taste, smell; this is what we know. But there is something even more Indescribable and Unimaginable. Until I experience this, I am going to continue in delighting to sit back and take all of these senses and marinate in everything that is around, felt, experienced. I will continue to let the showers of grace and mercy all around me to be bathed in humble gratitude and thanksgiving.

Anyone w/ me on this one?

Peace.

Power to the Peaceful

2006-08-17T23:07:00.000-07:00

I titled this little entry as “Power to the Peaceful” bc I was in my boy Toph’s car tonight and he had a cd that was (I believe) named as such and we were listening to the song where the singer said those words and it’s fresh on my mind and I really liked the sound of those words. (Man, that was a long, run-on sentence! I need to catch my breath…)

So, I was also thinking about how I’ve been trying to live as drama free in my life as much as possible lately and how incredibly peaceful it’s been to not take myself so seriously! It’s so freeing to be able to laugh at yourself and realize how ridiculous you are sometimes…or most of them.

It’s good not taking yourself so serious. Laugh at a great joke…heck, laugh at a horrible joke. Just don’t miss life!

Don’t ever forget to enjoy life. Enjoy other’s lives as well. Don’t get so caught up in busyness that you forget to be in tune to the wonderment of life and death, song and silence—all that is. Live every day in its fullest!

“Creation…meet, Creator.”

“What’s that? You’ve never seen anything as Beautiful as this before? Did you ever look around you?”

“Well, yes, I did, but I guess I was just looking. Now, I see!”

Celebrate life w/ each other. Why hate when you can love? Why make war when there’s peace?

There is Beauty in everything bc it was created by a beautiful God. You, and even me. Make sure you remind everyone you come into contact w/ that they are beautiful and loved. It means a lot! It’s always nice to know you’re loved and counted as special, so why not let others know that they are too? Not in order to be owed something in return. No! Let this debt go. Let it remain outstanding.

Don’t be fake. Be genuine. Be true. Be true w/ yourself and to others. Express emotions. When you hurt, cry. When you cry, cry hard. This is good.

Be full of wonder—it’s quite wonderful! Delight in the bird that sings its own love song to you. Never forget to stop and be still before a sunrise and sunset. Don’t speak, don’t think. Just be.

You will find yourself there.

There is much power to the peaceful. Amen.

My Farewell to the Youth...

2006-08-15T12:06:00.000-07:00

As requested by some of you out there, I am including my speech from the other week, which was my last talk at Prime Time on Wednesday night:

In the close of Rainer Maria Rilke's 8th letter to a young poet, he writes, "Do not believe that he who seeks to comfort you lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. His life has much difficulty and sadness...Were it otherwise he would never have been able to find those words." Let's pray.

Father, it is you who led me to this place. It is you who led me to these people. I thank you for the time you have given us together. I pray that the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart will be pure and that you will continue to speak to and through every single person in this room as I know you will. It is through the promise and hope of Jesus' name that I pray these things. Amen.

Like Lloyd Christmas said in Dumb & Dumber, "I hate goodbyes!" but thanks be to God, he has taught me--and still is teaching me--about the importance of not complaining about the short time I may have w/ someone or some people, or dwelling on the things doen together that will be missed, but to thank him for the opportunity to share the time w/ those I've come to love and care for. For the things he taught me through them and how he showed me himself in them. Those are the things that I will consume my thoughts and self w/. I will forever hold them in my heart and they will always be in my smile. They have been added to my sotry and we have written something in His Story, which nothing can touch.

As Ben Harper sings in his song Happy Everafter In Your Eyes, "All I have to give you is forever yours to keep." My prayer is that you've learned something from me bc I sure have learned many things from you! However, my prayer is even more so that if you did learn something good and beneficial that you would not so much thank me, but thank God for the things he has, is, and will be doing in and through me. I just thank him for counting me worthy--when I'm not even close to being worthy--of showing himself in and through me.

When I leave, the foundation of your faith and the foundation of this youth group should not budge bc I am not your foundation! There should be no wavering! I am human. All I can do is strive to be the best human/person I can be by the power that has been graced to me. The only comfort I can give is from the Comforter. The only healing I can give comes from the Healer. The love I give is only graced to me from Love itself. If you're searching for it, I pray you would, and will, go to the Source of it all. I will fail you. I will always fall short--no matter how hard I try. I can't always be there for you. He will never fail you. He can't fall short. He will always be there for you. God never promised us easy, though he did promise us peace. When we search for it, we will find it.

If I have pointed you to me rather than to him, my time w/ you has been in vain. I don't think that's the case, though, bc I know I have seen God working in many of you and it's been the most amazing and awe-filled thing to see--watching him prune and water the seed sown in your life. Another prayer of mine is that you will continually view yourself and others as "works in progress." Never stop in loving God w/ all your hear, mind, soul, body, and strength, and continually learning how you can do this more so you may be able to love and accept others as he loves and accepts them...unconditionally.

I guess the "last thing" I'd like to leave you w/ is somewhat of a challenge, but one that is not a one-time thing. Continually pray that God will allow you to see life and the world through his eyes. I promise that you will be forever changed and realize there is nothing better and how much beauty there is around us.

May God continue to bless each and every one of you as I know he already has!

Innocent Wonder

2006-07-25T13:34:00.000-07:00

You know who's been challenging the crap out of me lately? Babies! Some months ago I was in Boone, NC and something was going on and I had restricted myself to the room in the back where I had been staying at my sister and brother in-law's house. I had gotten out my journal and begun to write how I was feeling. "I know that right now, outside that door, there exists something that I want to refuse exists, but it does. I yearn so badly to have the innocence of a child, to be less complex than Evie. To only know how to love and forget quickly. Why do we have to grow up? This world takes a toll on you! We start out doing fine and being who we are in the image of God, yet the further along we go, the more we forget about simply being; how to simply be." I mentioned how Evie was too innocent and forgiving and forgetting for me to even be close to out of my years of callusing.

I was just remembering about how my mom, after she went up to Boone and celebrated Evie's first birthday w/ them, was telling me about how Evie would stick her hand in the cake and then look at her hand intently and in such wonderment of the texture and consistency by rubbing it in between her fingers. I ask myself why we seem to always lose that sense of a mysteriously engaging awe-ful Other? I don't think Jesus meant educationally ignorant when he tells us that we must have the mind of a child in order to enter the kingdom of heaven, but rather having the innocent wisdom that tends to fade away through miles walked on this road of life. A taste of heaven can be on earth when we immerse ourselves in the mystery that surrounds us and realize that what is seen and felt and heard and smelled and even imagined is nothing like what is to come. But, it is embracing that mystery which is now while knowing it is not all that is. It's being totally dependent on Someone Else whose kiss seems to always make things better. Maybe we aren't even hurt and we cry just to know we're loved. I know I'm probably not saying anything really profound or anything. I'm just saying what's on my heart and mind.

Peace.

God's Will

2006-06-11T20:25:00.000-07:00

As I was sitting in Barnes & Noble today writing down what I was gonna say at the end of the Sunday night youth thing and encouraging them to come to youth vbs this week to learn about "Feasting on the Word," I wrote, "When you search for him, he shows you who he created you to be...in his own image." For some reason I thought about how I used to love going to conferences or retreats and going to a "buzz group," or whatever, that talked about finding (or, at least how to find) God's will for my life bc I secretly wanted to know the password to what the heck God's "will for my life" was and what I was supposed to do. I even read books that claimed to have THE answer to all of my queries about what God wants me to do, but nothing seemed to give me that satisfying answer. Every time I came away from one of those buzz groups there were too many holes in the "solution" of finding God's will for my specific life and I really thought it was odd how God's will seemed to always be that I join and be a part of said para-church organization's staff and to go on every retreat they had. If that was so, God needed to quit changing his mind! It was especially confusing when some of the staff would claim that if I wasn't w/ them that I was going against God bc God had told them specifically what his will for my life was. It seemed as though God told them what his will for me was and I must have been talking to some other God if I was feeling any different.

I have come to a tentative conclusion about what God's will is for our life and how we can know it. (pause for anticipation.......ok!) It may seem kind of boring and finitive and lacking depth or guts to go out on a limb and make a bold statement, but I'd have to say it's the exact opposite.

He has one will for all of us and yes it is in the Bible. His will for my life, your life, our lives, is to search for him w/ all our heart. When we do so, we know more of him, whose image we are created from. We begin to see our true selves by seing him and doing what is natural by being our natural, or created self--our desires are his desires and his will becoming ours. God's will for my life, your life, and our lives is not so much of what we should do, but rather who we must be. It has little to do w/ occupation, but so much more w/ your, mine, and our state of heart and mind. "Seek first the kingdom and righteousness of God and all these things shall be given to you!" Amen.

(Comments, questions, rebuttals?)

Labels

2006-05-26T10:24:00.000-07:00

This week, as I was watching the season finale of 24, my dad said something that triggered me to analyze what he had just said. This was my first time watching 24 and he was commenting on who everyone was and basically giving me the background of their character. He was telling me stuff like, "He's the bad guy" and "he's one of the good guys" and "yeah, those are the bad people." Of course he was saying this in all innocence, but you know I had to think about it and dissect the mess out of it! Anyways, I began to think about how we all grow up labeling people as such. From the time a little boy watches a Cowboys and Indians movie and a little girl does...well...whatever it is that little girls do...we get it into our heads that people are either good or bad and if they aren't like you, then they're on the other side and therefore your enemy. We are never taught that if someone isn't like you or doesn't always agree w/ you, that they too are also a child of God and loved beyond belief by our Heavenly Father. Thereby, this makes them my brother or sister that I should love as dearly as family. This means that the only label that is appropriate for me to put on others is "the Beloved." Therefore, that will constantly remind me of who they are and whose they are. They are not what they do or don't do, but rather they are of the same flesh and are yet still one of the fellow beloved, making them no better or worse than I am--if anything, better. So, I guess I now hesitate to state or label others--whether it be in a movie or in real life--as good or bad. As Jesus told us, no one is "good" but the Father who is in heaven. I'm always going to try to do...or be...better, knowing that I will never be good. Holistically, I must always strive to be better, be changed and molded more into the likeness of him who died for me despite the fact that I am one of the bad guys...and even more so because I am.

Who am I to deserve this?! Who are you to deserve this?! Who are we to deserve this?!......We are the beloved...Amen.

The Beauty of Sadness and Loss

2006-05-02T20:26:00.000-07:00

Here’s a little post about the beauty of sadness and loss. I know it sounds weird, but it’s something that’s been on my heart the past couple of weeks. I’m not sure if any of you have heard about Lauren Jones, who was a youth at Riverland Hills and graduated from Dutch Fork in 2001, but she was in a really bad car wreck on April 21st and passed away. Her funeral was last Thursday and it truly was an incredible celebration of an incredible young lady who was on fire for God and spreading the love of Christ to all those she came into contact w/. Last Monday night, when I believe much of the reality of the whole situation started to settle in, I had to go somewhere and write. Writing and journaling is how I best express myself and it’s a huge outlet for me. Anyways, I of course went to Barnes and Noble and sat there for a while just writing and thinking. Well, I’d like to share a little bit of what I wrote that night—which flowed from the inspiration of Lauren’s recent and sudden death—if you don’t mind…

“I know why ‘they say’ that w/ age there comes wisdom. Bc w/ each day, there are life’s rapid ups and downs which make me one more day ahead of life’s experiences. The hurt and the agony along w/ the health and the joy. The rejoicing and the fulfillment along w/ the mourning and the dissatisfaction. Don’t complain when I leave here and say, ‘What a life cut short of its potential.’ I was made w/ just enough potential to make it to where God saw it fit for me to come back home. I gave all I had to give to get to where I had to go. There was nothing more, nothing less. It is finished. And now you have gained a new life experience that makes you one more day ahead. And such the same, and such the same. We add to one another’s story and make a piece to fit in the endless puzzle of His story. The secret combination to life is love, but you’ll not be able to live w/out the death of Love.”

God is a personal, yet mysterious God. He is always working in our lives and present and whispering in our ears if only we’d listen. There are people that come in and out of our lives that make a huge impact and teach us a little bit about who God is and who we are as God’s. Another person along w/ Lauren who mad such an impact in my life was Kyle Lake, pastor of UBC in Waco, TX. He passed away last semester as he was down in the baptistery about to baptize some people. I just want to close this post w/ something that was shared at his funeral: the conclusion to what would be the last sermon Kyle would ever write. It is a closing statement like no other that I share in humble admiration of a man I greatly admire:

“Live. And Live Well.
BREATHE. Breathe in and Breathe deeply. Be PRESENT. Don not be past. Do not be future. Be now.
On a crystal clear, breezy 70 degree day, roll down the windows and FEEL the wind against your skin. Feel the warmth of the sun.
If you run, then allow those first few breaths on a cool Autumn day to FREEZE your lungs and do not just be alarmed, be ALIVE.
Get knee-deep in a novel and LOSE track of time.
If you bike, pedal HARD…and if you crash then crash well.
Feel the SATISFACTION of a job well done…a paper well-written, a project thoroughly completed, a play well-performed.
If you must wipe the snot from your 3-year old’s nose, don’t be disgusted if the Kleenex didn’t catch it all…because soon he’ll be wiping his own.
If you’ve recently experienced loss, then GRIEVE. And Grieve well.
At the table with friends and family, LAUGH. If you’re eating and laughing at the same time, then might as well laugh until you puke. And if you eat, then SMELL. The aromas are not impediments to your day. Steak off the grill, coffee beans freshly ground, cookies in the oven. And TASTE. Taste every ounce of flavor. Taste every ounce of friendship. Taste every ounce of Life. Because-it-is-most-definitely-a-Gift.”

Part I: It's So Hard To Say Hello

2006-03-26T19:38:00.000-08:00

Hello to all who may read this!! I know it's been a while since I've written something on here and to be honest I haven't been writing a whole lot in my journal either. Winter is a very hard season for me. My mood is largely affected by the weather and I feel so lethargic and then on top of that I get depressed about being lethargic and so on and so forth...and then I found five dollars...However, this past weekend--specifically last night--I began to feel like I'm turning the corner. I do want to write a little bit about something that has been on my mind and heart lately (for a while) and will try to keep at a short length since I know that some youth read this and will immediately be turned off and not read one bit of this if it's more than four sentences...oops! But I ain't mad at ya. Do ya thang boi; got nothin' but love fo ya!

So, as David Crowder sings, "Come and listen...Let me tell you what He has done for me, He has done for you, He has done for us. Come and listen, come and listen to what He's done."

There are many things that you know are going to happen, yet there's really nothing you can do to prepare for them--you can only go through them...like, life, for instance. No, I'm not going to talk about something as broad as that bc that would just be boring and go absolutely nowhere. As an example, however, I would have to say my experience w/ The Citadel. I always thought--and still do think--the funniest question people would ask was, "Are you ready?" They'd ask w/ that idiotic smirk on their face and maybe give me one of those winks like they actually did know anything about it and of course I would just play Johnny Political and smile back and say, "I guess we'll see..." even though I wanted to say, "What kind of question is that, nasty?! How the crap should I know?! How can I be?!" Now, don't peg me for some hot-headed jerk that won't try to understand what people are trying to ask and really mean. I'm hoping you can find it deep inside yourself to admit that you say these sorts of things inside your head all the time to people, but then go w/ what the other guy on your right shoulder tells you to say--you know, the guy w/ the halo and the white robe and what not. He's cool, but the other guy will just get you in trouble--trust me on this one! (Now, I'll quit being me and just write what I sat down to write instead of pulling some Seinfeld stuff: "What's the deal w/")

I can do all the push-ups, running, etc., but nothing can truly prepare me for what's to come. I simply have to go through it and learn along the way. What I'm dealing w/ now may be a stretch to compare it to the whole Citadel thing and I hope I didn't lost you too much w/ that, but it has to do w/ saying goodbye--or even more than that, saying hello.

About a year ago, I received a phone call asking me if I'd be interested in coming on as youth minister for high school at Riverland Hills. This person had heard that I had applied to Furman to be a chaplain intern in order to fulfill my mentoring requirement for seminary and asked if that fell through if they could have my word that I'd come on at Riverland Hills. I told them yes, and as it so happened, the Furman thing fell through (long story, literally). It was made known that this was only on a temporary basis until they found a replacement--someone who would be able to be there on a long-term basis. I know myself pretty well and knew that I have a tendency to get attached to people fairly quickly. And I knew that it would probably be hard for myself and the youth--assuming they would like me. It was relayed to the youth that I would only be here for a certain amount of time, but it was better than not having anyone. Of course I feared that none of the youth would be receptive to me since they had just had a youth minister for a short time and many of them had about 3 (correct me if I'm wrong) in about 3 years or so. The saddest thing about that is that the average "life cycle" of a youth minister at a church is about a year. I don't care if that is the average and I don't think that makes it any easier and/or better for the youth to deal w/. Why should I expect them to be receptive to me? It seems better to just wait this temporary guy out and do whatever I can to not get attached to him since it hurts so bad to get attached to someone and then have them leave. That seems to be the safest route. Seems to be the most logical thing to do. However, (you knew I was going to say that, didn't you? :) ) that is no way to live life and it is my conviction that it contradicts so much of how the Bible tells us to live and how Jesus lived his life. I think to best get across what I want to say and am trying to say in so many words is to just quote from an entry in my journal I wrote back in January:

"Well, they called Jonathan last night to be the new high school youth associate. As much as I have said I'm cool w/ all of the process of getting a new youth minister and wouldn't feel awkward about it, I have to say I'm feeling pretty dang awkward right now. I truly want what's best for these youth and this church, but still part of the selfish me feels weird and fears the youth's confusion and possible hurt feelings even though they knew from the beginning that this was temporary. So much of me wants to stay, but so much of me knows I need to go. I have fallen in love w/ these youth. I knew it would happen, but it doesn't change the hurt and sadness bc that's something you can't prepare yourself for. All I do is embrace my time w/ them now and prepare them, Jonathan, and myself for the future. Bonds have been formed w/ the youth and myself that will not be broken--no matter how hard Satan tries. The bond of God has declared victory a long time ago and I claim that victory and count it as one of the blessed blessing from God through Jesus Christ...Have mercy on me, God."

That's all I'm going to write in this post, but will finish up my thoughts--and not ramble as much--either tomorrow or sometime this week. Until then, peace be w/ you!

Incredible News!!

2006-01-08T21:55:00.000-08:00

How about my sister having another baby in the oven!?! I'm gonna be an uncle twice!!! The best part is that she is gonna be due anywhere from late july to early september, which means if it could be that I'm still here when she has him or her! That would be incredible. I really can't get over myself right now. I mean she called me like Thursday night and told me but I just have waited to make sure all family had heard first before I announced it to all peeps. I don't know how I'm gonna handle me being an uncle twice bc I'm already head-over-heels for Evie and now I guess it means I'll be back upright....I got a picture from my sis the other day w/ Evie having a shirt on that said, "Big Sister." Once I get into the office tomorrow I'll post it on here. I guess I should end this bc I'll just keep on rambling about how cool it is and how even more annoying I'll be w/ having 1000 pics of now 2 nieces or a niece and nephew....I'm praying for a nephew though. I have a niece already to spoil and protect from jerk guys, but now I need a nephew to teach how to make fart noises w/ his armpits and wrestle around w/. That's all I got...to all a wonderful day/night/weekend/whatever!

A Balanced Evangelism...and life

2006-01-07T12:58:00.000-08:00

“I want to invite people to actually live this way so the life Jesus offers gradually becomes their life. It becomes less and less about talking, and more and more about the experience we are actually having.” These words hit deep w/in me this morning as I was in one of the books I’ve been reading lately, “Velvet Elvis” by Rob Bell. My desire is not to “win people over to Christ” by “proving” to them Christianity is true by whatever means I choose—science, art, artifacts, etc.—but to invite them into living life to the fullest (i.e. “the life Jesus offers”).

Two types of Christians I see here are those who seek to evangelize others purely by facts, or truths, striving mostly for an intellectual assent from the other person and another that is so opposed by the first type that they strive to relationally evangelize totally on the terms of experience. Regarding the first type, the individual may give in to this new knowledge and supposedly be “saved.” Yet, the person still remains unaffected by this bc it is only knowledge. He or she has not experienced the embrace of God that has the power to transform lives, affecting our whole being and way of living. However, the opposite is also dangerous. The purely experiential Christian thrives on those fuzzy feelings that are supposedly God during times of singing and what not. The problem w/ this is that it becomes like a drug. The feeling you had before must be matched at the least and after a while the person feels like they need more. If the feeling doesn’t come, then there must be something wrong w/ them and their relationship w/ the Almighty Fuzzy One. They must need to pray harder, sing louder, or go to church more often. Need more chills, more goose bumps. Never enough. The Christian “experience” becomes more like an acid trip than a constant renewal of mind, soul, and body. Both the facts Christian and the druggie Christian are missing the point. It is not an “either/or” but a “both/and.” There must be a balance!

I’d like to liken it to a person who has been to the Grand Canyon and is telling someone about all its beauty, vastness, and grandeur and another person who talks about the Grand Canyon after they just did a huge school project, saw pictures, and wrote a long paper all about it, but has never actually been. Sure, the first person has studied about it and knows all the grand facts about it, but it’s not until you have a first-hand encounter that you realize in full that all of what you read and heard is true—but there is so much more. They knew all the facts were true because they had experienced it, but there was also so much more—something that words fall short of describing. There is a passion and a sense of awe and wonder that the person who merely studied it doesn’t have and leaves the other person who is listening to them less likely to want to go and experience it for his or her self.

I’m gonna end this post right now, but there’s another one coming about something else I’ve been marinating on for a while now. It has to deal w/ something that one of the guys in the youth group said a while back that was more profound than he even realized. And, while I’m on the subject of the youth group, I want to give a huge shout-out to the Riverland Hills girl’s basketball team who just improved their record to 4-0 on the season!! After 3 years of total defeation (my made-up word) they have turned things around this year and I couldn’t be any more proud of them and happy for them. GO WOMBATS!!

Amen.

On Relationships

2005-12-18T12:22:00.000-08:00

I started reading Brennan Manning’s newest book The Importance of Being Foolish: How to Think Like Jesus right before I came back to SC to do my mentoring. I got about halfway through when I had to stop because of the assigned books I had to do for schoolwork. Since that ended about a week and a half ago, I picked it back up and am in love w/ it once again. I have to say that Brennan Manning is one of my biggest heroes and look to him as an unofficial mentor.

I am continually amazed by how there will be something that has been at the forefront of my mind and whatever I am reading will deal specifically w/ that and bring new insights, affirms what I’ve been thinking and feeling, or states it in a much more profound way. Relationships—the importance of them, the impact they have, and the constant struggle to reach out to those who aren’t like “us”—has been a constant on my mind lately and to be honest has not ceased for a long time. It’s always in the mix w/ whatever I’m thinking about—or better yet, analyzing—but sometimes it’s the sole issue. Here are a few things Manning says in the book about how to think like Jesus and be transformed so much by it that every single relationship and/or interaction we have w/ others is affected by something Other:

“To think like Jesus is to experience being loved so completely by God that we are existentially incapable of being other than the children of the Father in Christ Jesus…We cannot contain it bc love by its nature is meant to be shared…Perhaps by nothing more (or less) than our friendship extended to another, a friendship that is real, unselfish, nonproselytizing, w/out condescension, and full of profound respect, we can lead another to discover, ‘I too am loved by my Father in the Lord Jesus’…What a gift we can be to the world when we are transparent answers to their most heartfelt questions! Manning states a few pages later, “If we want to think as Jesus did, we too must break through our illusions of separation from others. While we make a conscious effort to live apart from the worries of the world, we must also recognize that God created a world saturated w/ beauty, lucidity, vividness, and intensity.”

(I’m sorry, but I just have to note that I am in Barnes & Noble right now and just saw a man walking around fully dressed in a Santa outfit—boots, belt, hat, the whole nine! The funniest thing is he is walking around like he’s not even wearing it. I smiled at him and gave him the ol’ ‘what’s happenin’ head nod and he didn’t give any sort of feedback like he didn’t realize what I was giving him props for. I love it! If anything in this day were to go wrong all I have to do is revert back to this moment and realize that the day has already been made and blessed by Johnny-Suit ‘em up-Santa and nothing can take that away. And I digress…)

What will it take for us to be instilled w/ the truth that love by its nature is meant to be shared? And further more, that true love knows no limits and has no restrictions or exceptions? It seems as though so many of us have an innate sense of conditional love. If we are made in the image of God where do learn how to conditionally love? Or maybe I should say when do we unlearn how to love w/ what we were born w/ by the Lover? It’s much easier to love others when we feel loved, but what about when we don’t feel loved? Should Christians ever have this feeling? I want to say not but I have felt unloved. I have felt alone. I feel unappreciated. Why? For the most part, it’s bc I desperately seek human approval and significance. I understand that I am shallow and all too often forget what grace is all about, ceasing to grant it to others bc I have forgotten that Grace granted Himself to me.

My favorite part is where Manning starts out w/ “Perhaps by nothing more…” This has been the greatest truth I have experienced about relationships in my life and especially since being a Christian. Why do we try to “do good things” for others or what is our basic intention in developing a friendship w/ someone at work, school, or wherever? Is it first and foremost to “win them to Christ?” Or is it bc we see Christ in them and are yearning to get to know Him more through them? When we see others as Jesus did, we see in them a loveliness that most aren’t even aware of. When I wasn’t a Christian, I learned most about who Jesus was not by those who quoted Scripture to me or tried to tell me how great Jesus was or even how much he loved me. It was those people who displayed a pure love and interest in me for who I was (and who I wasn’t) that I was able to see that I too am loved by my Father in the Lord Jesus. No strings attached. They never even said anything about being a Christian or talked to me about Jesus, but there was something different about them. The Unspoken spoke to me. He still does.

When we understand that we are the beloved, the gravity we hold on others we come in contact w/ is so great you’d think it was from God….oh wait a second, it seems like that bc it is. There is an unspoken that speaks through our every action. I am not talking about an understanding that is simply a knowledge or acknowledgment of being beloved by Love, but an understanding that becomes the blood flow of our life and our whole being is infected w/ this “beloved truth.” We can’t not love others bc God can’t not love others. That’s pretty cool. Now, in the first “…” of me quoting Manning, he stated, “It is overwhelmingly joyful news, and we become overwhelmingly joyful people bc of it.” So, what he’s saying is that after we become Christian we never have any negative emotions? What about what I was saying in the former paragraph? Should I not have these feelings at all? If other people—especially non-Christians—see me not happy they won’t know I’m a Christian, right? Hardly! This is a problem w/ many Christians today. We are so scared of coming to grips w/ reality and our human frailness that we’ll do everything to cover up our true emotions. Christians are called hypocrites so much bc we most certainly are. We take what Brennan Manning just stated in a way that makes Satan give fist pumps at our emotional roller coaster ride of religious experiences we call Christianity. If you’ve seen the movie Saved, the perfect example is when Hillary Faye gets everyone to start laughing at the lunch table so that Regina will think that Christians can have fun. This sad but true scene begs the question, “What are we trying to prove?” We have become someone we are not trying to entice, or “witness to” others that the Christian life is real and true. Why would we expect anyone to believe that it’s real and true when we’re not being real and true to ourselves and to God? We’ve forgotten we are all made in the image of God and accepted despite our faults and inconsistencies. When we have no concept of this we will cease to see others made in the image of God.

More to come…

A Little Symbolism...

2005-12-04T21:56:00.000-08:00

1,000 apologies to my boy Vernon back in the 254 for neglecting to post on my blog for like 20 years and both of my other faithful readers...insert chuckle here...Anyways, I have a myspace account thing since I've been back in SC and have been posting a few things there bc most all of my youth are on that piece. So, here's a little post for my blogspot and I'll do much better w/ posting to this one also.

While riding home from church Sunday I began to think about something that happened to me earlier and then started to analyze it (shocker!) and found it to be a bit symbolic.

As I was walking around The Attic (the youth room) early Sunday morning before any of the youth—or anyone for that matter—were at the church, I noticed something unpleasant about my gray dress pants. I was wearing my gray dress pants, a button down shirt and a tie w/ a navy blue sports jacket. I mean I looked good…really good *wink*! However, at the bottom of where my right pocket is, there was about a 1½ in. tear. Not cool, but no worries bc it was easily covered up by the sports jacket and I’ll just get one of the older ladies in the church to fix it back up for me. I keep on going about my business and some of the youth are coming in when all of a sudden, FUMBLE!! The top button of my sports coat popped right off onto the floor. Alright, now this is getting reediculous. I’m lookin’ all debonair and what not yet I’m falling apart everywhere!

I got up early enough to go for a run, relax and stretch, fix a nice breakfast for myself, get a nice shower, shave, shine my shoes (yes, I still do it bc I’m a loser), put on my pants and make sure my tie and shirt are perfect, put on my navy blue sports jacket while looking in the mirror and grab my Bible on the way out lookin’ good and smellin’ great! I was perfectly dressed, in “my Sunday best.” What a funny statement—“my Sunday best.” I took such great care and concern to make sure I looked “my Sunday best” to go to church and made sure everyone would see me at “my Sunday best.” However, underneath it all, I have rips and tears and my buttons are falling off. Sure, I can cover those rips and tears up w/ something and nobody will see them or even know that they’re there, but that doesn’t change the fact that they’re still there. And I know I’m missing a few buttons—as those who know me will agree to that—but I’ll just pick ‘em up off the floor and sew them back on later. That’s probably not gonna be the last button that I lose either. What a ragamuffin I am!

Now, I could go into a whole long discourse about my issues w/ how the church is so intent on looking our “Sunday best” and dressing ourselves up to look all nice when we’re falling apart right before each other’s eyes, yet scared to express it or even let each other—much less admit to our own selves—get a hint that we don’t have it all together. How people will get judged/condemned by others in the church when they do show it even though they’re the ones who know what it’s all about. We sing “Amazing Grace” and yet have no idea what it is or even ever experienced it to know that “amazing” doesn’t even begin to describe grace. I’m not even gonna get into all that.

So, here’s to those who know they are pitiful and have not loved God, others, and their selves, knowing they fail at truly loving, but keep pushing on knowing that True Love never fails. Here’s to those who have come to grips w/ this fact and cry out w/ Paul, “What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!” Here’s to the ragamuffins…

“To name is to love. To be Named is to be loved. So in a very true sense the great works which help us to be more named also love us and help us to love.” -Madeleine L’Engle in “Walking on Water”

Starting the day off right...

2005-09-15T16:36:00.000-07:00

What a great day! Thursdays are becoming the coolest day of the week bc it’s pretty much designated as my day off even though most of the time I’ll do work even if I’m out of the office. Nevertheless, it started w/ a trip to the bank and although I did have to pull out a significant amount of money to support my living in a building habit, it’s always nice to see that you actually have more than a goose egg in your account.

Therefore, I decided I’d celebrate by going to Barnes & Noble—where I all too often find myself to be—and try to put a big dent in the book I’m currently reading for my mentoring called “Life Together: The Exploration of Faith in Community” by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. Well, as I was reading I came across many things he said that made me have to sit back and take a breath and try to digest before I moved on. I’m convinced that there are books other than the Bible that God speaks to you powerfully through and meets you right where you are telling you exactly what you need to hear. One thing I constantly struggle w/ is starting my morning off w/ a morning prayer; quieting myself before the One whom the day was created from and offering it up in thanksgiving. I am usually so preoccupied w/ setting up my “to do” list in my head or on my little notebook I carry around that I either forget or consciously neglect to stop and be still before my Maker. Now, I’ve gotten over the thinking that I’m so much less of a Christian when I don’t have my “quiet time” every single morning and God keeps a tab of when I do or don’t do this, but I’ve also come to appreciate and am convinced that starting the day off w/ a quiet time—or whatever you want to call it—has profound effects on my day and my dealings w/in it. This is a (spiritual) discipline I am trying to improve on greatly. Too often I get so caught up in worrying so much about what I have to do in the all-to-often short hours of the day that my personal time w/ God will come if a lull in the work comes. Usually, the lull never comes. But, today I came across some very challenging and encouraging words from Bonhoeffer that I want to share w/ everyone who reads this—whether it be student or worker or both—and hope it will also serve as a challenge and encouragement to you as well. Don’t get discouraged at the length bc I promise it is worth the read.

“…from this achieved unity of the day the whole day acquires an order and a discipline. These must be sought and found in the morning prayer and in work they will be maintained. The prayer of the morning will determine the day. Wasted time, which we are ashamed of, temptations that beset us, weakness and listlessness in our work, disorder and indiscipline in our thinking and our relations with other people very frequently have their cause in neglect of the morning prayer. the organization and distribution of our time will be better for having been rooted in prayer. The temptations which the working day brings w/ it will be overcome by this break-through to God. Decisions which our work demands will be simpler and easier when they are made, not in the fear of men, but solely in the presence of God. ‘Whatever you do, work at it w/ all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men’ (Col 3:23). Even routine mechanical work will be performed more patiently when it is done w/ the knowledge of God and His command. Our strength and energy for work increase when we have prayed God to give us the strength we need for our daily work.”

Amen.

Ramblings

2005-07-25T21:20:00.000-07:00

Well, I definitely haven't been writing on this thing in a good while and I've been meaning to for about a week now. Last week I received a phone call from one of my long lost roommates who has been in St. Louis, MO this summer doing an M-Fuge (or Merge, or whatever...) camp where he's like the pastor and director or something crazy like that. Basically, if you're in need of a job that'll shave a couple years off your life, then holla at this position! Anyways, Toph and I are huge Saved by the Bell fans. The message on my phone was about the new season 5 DVDs that were just released on the 19th. The next day in class, I asked one of my friends in class, JonMark, if he knew about the release--bc he is also a SBTB fanatic--of season 5 and of course he told me that he had just went out and bought it the day before! If you're a huge SBTB fan like Toph, JonMark, and I then you should definitely go out and get season 5 today! I've found that Wal-Mart has the cheapest price on it, but I couldn't find them at either of the Wal-Mart stores here in Waco. However, you can buy them online from Wal-Mart and the shipping is real cheap and the price comes out to be less than if you were to buy it at the local Best Buy or wherever. So, there's my pitch for the day. If I were to have posted this last week, I'd probably come off sounding a little more crazy bc I was pretty pumped up about this release but some of the ecstaticness has since worn off. I digress...

For those that actually know me and read this, it looks like I'm definitely going to be in SC one way or the other this upcoming school year while I complete my mentoring requirement for my degree. I have a phone interview this Wednesday w/ Furman for the chaplaincy internship job and then if I don't get that job, I have another definite back-up that would be equally incredible! So, I'm pretty excited about that! The other opportunity is still kind of hush hush even though I keep finding out more people that know about it. We'll see soon...

This weekend was absolutely wonderful bc I spent most of it doing absolutely nothing, and it was everything that I thought it could be! I did write for about 6 hrs on Saturday, which was one of the most productive writing times I've had in a very long time (aka ever). I can't wait to pull that stat out in the Truett Writer's Guild tomorrow. This is a group of guys and girls at Truett we have pulled together who share a passion for writing--whether it be short stories, novels (of all genres), memoirs, etc.--and desire to meet w/ each other once a week to share what we've been working on, encourage one another to keep writing, get critiques on some of our works, and so on and so forth. It's been a true blessing from the diverse group of writers we have. Another great thing about this past weekend was that I received a call from my cousin Heath back home. He and his girlfriend Jessa--who I've known since kindergarten and her mom was my kindergarten teacher--just got engaged on Friday! I'm very happy for them and I know they are going to be very happy together. Heath and I are exactly 3 mths apart and so we've always been very close, so it really does matter to me who will be his wife and I do have to say I highly approve of this move!

Anyways, I'm gonna end this by giving a big shout-out to my main girl Evie whose picture is of course the new background on my computer. It's pretty much impossible for any other girl to steal my heart right now from this one!

Bumper Sticker Witnessing

2005-07-14T16:02:00.000-07:00

So I was driving down the street just now and the bumper of a car caught my eye. There was a sticker on the left hand side of the car that said, "If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you." Then, mine eyes slide over to the right side of the bumper and land on the ever-so popular "John 3:16" bumper sticker.

ATTA BABY!!

Just Wait

2005-07-12T13:48:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I put in the album Four by Blues Traveler the other day and was taken back by what I never noticed when I used to listen to this in middle school (I believe it was). What a great cd! The song "Hook" that was really popular back in the day is one of the funniest songs and I don't think I ever noticed it back then. He is totally dawgin' on everyone listening to it! Anyway, one song I listened to and caught my ear was one called "Just Wait." Wow. It's such a great song and written beautifully. I know some people who probably need to hear this song right now for whatever reason. I'm not in one of those depressed w/ the world, woe is me, won't somebody give me a hug, love hates me, no girl will ever want me and I'm gonna die alone, it would be great to have a dog right now, nobody knows the trouble I've seen kind of moods. I just thought it was a great song and felt obliged to include the words so I could hear what you think. Ohokay, peace out!

Just Wait by Blues Traveler

If ever you are feeling like you're tired
And all your uphill struggles leave you headed downhill
If you realize your wildest dreams can hurt you
And your appetite for pain has drinken it's fill

I ask of you a very simple question
Did you think for one minute that you are alone
And is your suffering a privilege you share only
Or did you think that everybody else feels completely at home

Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come

If you think I've given up on you you're crazy
And if you think I don't love you well then you're just wrong
In time you just might take to feeling better
Time is the beauty of the road being long

I know that now you feel no consolation
But maybe if I told you and informed you out loud
I say this without fear of hesitation
I can honestly tell you that you make me proud

(Chorus) x 2

If anything I might have just said has helped you
If anything I might have just said helped you just carry on
Your rise uphill may no longer seem a struggle
And your appetite for pain may all but be gone

I hope for you and cannot stop at hoping
Until that smile has once again returned to your face
There's no such thing as a failure who keeps trying
Coasting to the bottom is the only disgrace

(Chorus) x 3

Anti-Fashion Trend

2005-07-02T14:21:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I haven't really been all about the whole bracelet fad that's been going on for a little more than a year or so now. Now, don't get me wrong at all about the "Livestrong" ones and the pink breast cancer bracelets, etc. that are truly wonderful and I fully support. I'm talking about the ones that are like from Nike and other random ones that just say catchy things. However, one has come along that is very close to my heart--not to say that the breast cancer and Lance Armstrong cancer ones aren't--and I definitely went on and purchased a box of 10 (the lowest amount you can buy) that should be here any day now.

If you know me and know also where I live, you know that I see the devastation of poverty every day. The past year that I've lived here in "The White House" on 15th and Bosque, I have had some of the most moving and memorable experiences and conversations w/ the people in the neighborhood. It truly has been a blessing to live life w/ these people--the prostitutes, crack addicts, alcoholics, homeless, and any combination of the forementioned. I have come to love these people. I look forward to seeing them everyday and seeing their smiling faces and emphatic waves as I come and go from the house. I never would have guessed this would happen. It seems more likely that I would be trying to avoid them and not have to hear their drunken and drugged rambling mixed w/ the smell body odor, cheap malt liquor, and stale cigarette smoke. On the contrary, over the past year, God has allowed me to more truly see these people through his eyes and I cannot put into words how beautiful it is. These are the people Jesus continually talked about in the Gospels who truly know the kingdom of God and know what God's grace is all about. They have taught me more than they can ever imagine. Imagine that, the uneducated homeless have taught me more than any person w/ a doctorate could ever imagine. These people are not a burden on society, but a blessing to me. Therefore, the One campaign to fight poverty and AIDS in Africa and the rest of the world has rung loud in the depth of my heart and I would encourage everyone to educate his or herself on what the campaign is all about. The best part about this campaign is that the main thing they're encouraging people to do is not to donate money, but to educate theirselves on this epidemic of poverty and to be a voice behind the fight to end its oppressive reign in Third World countries and in your and my neighborhood. I am hardly ever a "spokesperson" for something, but as you can tell this hits a part of me where I can't not talk about it.

I mean, seriously, Pink Floyd came together and played at Hyde Park in London after so long of bitter break-up! And, I might add, were absolutely incredible! They haven't missed a beat and the fact that they came together and sang, putting aside all their passed differences for this speaks an incredible testimony to what this campaign is all about!

May we all learn more and more each day to see through the eyes of Jesus who sees people for who they truly are--the Beloved of God! God bless the world!

Music Therapy

2005-06-25T18:10:00.000-07:00

This is kind of funny. I was listening to just some random music while I was writing and a song came on that I haven’t heard in a while—“My Stupid Mouth” by John Mayer. As I was listening to this song, it really began to ring more true to how I’ve felt the past two weeks. I started laughing when I was listening to it. Has anyone ever noticed that music has a tendency to speak to you in whatever situation you’re going through? More specifically, if you’re infatuated w/ someone at the time, you start to notice all the songs you hear are ones that are more happy and wishful. If you’re going through a time where you’re missing someone/thing, you hear songs that speak of the yearning feeling for the future or the comforting memories of the past. If you’re feeling depressed, you hear songs that speak about heartbreak, loneliness, a sort of pessimistic optimism, or maybe even death. And all of these categories can be mixed and matched to fit each other in their own weird way and somehow will have songs to go along w/ them. Maybe its bc I’m a music nut that I notice these things, but I have also noticed I can tell it in other people. Is this done on purpose (by us)? Well, of course many times it's bc we put in the cds that speak to our situation and join in w/ the singer to rejoice or lament about our current emotional state, and not just talk about it, but sing it.....very loudly. However, I also had instances where I have bought new cds and they are all about what I’m going through. I know it’s a bit stupid to think about this kind of stuff sometimes and much of it can be very well argued to be things that are being way too over analyzed, but hey, you’re looking at (figuratively) Johnny-Over-Analyzer. Anyways, I think most of the time it’s not so much what we listen to, but what we are hearing. We want to hear those songs that speak to our situations in order that—like I stated earlier—we don’t feel alone in them since we are joining in w/ the singer who seems to best understand us at the time.

Anyone have any thoughts or theories as to how and why music is so therapeutic? I’d love to hear anyone’s input, so please feel free to holla at ya boy on the comment thingamabobber right below. You don’t even have to be a fellow blogspot blogger to post a comment, so go ahead and let me (and everyone else who reads this, which probably isn’t a whole heap of people) know what you’re thinking! Blessings be w/ you all!