Fugliness Included

There’s that fear that the other person will either find out something about you that they won’t be able to take or you’ll find out something about them that you won’t be able to take. I think it has to do with the fear we have that no one can love us fully and truly if they knew all of us—the good, the bad, and the fugly.

As each passing moment is passed, a shell of who we really are begs to be hatched. We yearn to break free from these shells that daily grow harder. I am but another shell of who I once was before this one. I am but a babe beneath these shells. Beholding beauty, waiting to be seen for the first time. Unfortunately, we don’t believe our beauty is fit to be held. “Oh no, I can’t let them know about that! That’s just not a very ‘flattering’ aspect of who I really am.”

We keep our growing feelings for someone hidden for a while and wait to see if they are true or not. If and when we come to a point where we feel we cannot deny that our feelings are lasting, we usually still hold them in before we come out with it for fear the other person doesn’t feel the same way. We try to gauge what the other person is thinking and feeling. Even when they give off the impression that they are feeling the same way, there’s always that chance you can let your feelings explicitly be known and then doubt suddenly comes rushing in to their heads. One of the hardest things to deal with is when you think your timing is good and the other person responds positively to it and says they feel the same way only to later find out that everything has now changed. It’s these experiences that can cripple us the most. If we henceforth shut down and refuse to ever put ourselves out there again, then we will never be able to allow ourselves to experience the moment we have been longing for when we will find that person who will lastingly love us just as much as we love them and not worry anymore about scaring them off or making them feel “pressured.”

We fail to be loved truly, never realizing we are made truly by/from/in Love. We are never able to be fully loved when we refuse to believe we can be and are loved in full, while we are yet still sinners. We have never been graced with this Presence of Being before. My desire is to let the All in All in all of me. All of these tall walls I’ve caused to be built around my heart—guarding it from hurt, disappointment, and chance—must come crumbling down to the ground like the Tower of Babel.

May it be as He has willed…